


Tighter Than Chains

by EdosianOrchids901



Series: Plain Simple Prompts [14]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Claustrophobia, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV First Person, POV Julian Bashir, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-02
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2019-07-05 20:27:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15871155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EdosianOrchids901/pseuds/EdosianOrchids901
Summary: Dialogue prompt: "You're sick and you need to rest."





	Tighter Than Chains

**Author's Note:**

> Part of a series of ficlets based on dialogue prompts from Tumblr. Written 2/18.

This couldn’t go on. He needed rest. He needed to take a break, to recuperate. Hell, at this point, he just needed to sleep. 

But instead, there he sat. Bent over his padd, frantically working on decryptions as fast as he could. He hadn’t even eaten today, and his tea sat untouched in front of him. 

“Elim,” I finally called, worried. If nothing else, he had to take a short break. 

He didn’t acknowledge me, still tapping at his padd like his life depended on it. In a way, I supposed it did – his work could determine the outcome of the war. So many lives would be affected by whether or not he could decipher those Cardassian codes. 

But it hadn’t even been two days since his last collapse in his shop, the one where he’d been having such severe trouble breathing that I’d initially feared he was dying. When I’d rushed to the shop and found him on the floor, he’d been making the most horrible, strangled gasps for air that I’d ever heard. 

And now… there was a labored edge to his breaths again, and he’d gone ashen. He’d been looking rough all day, but his discomfort seemed to be worsening now. A tremor ran through him, and he wiped sweat from his brow, blinking rapidly. 

“Elim?” I reached out, laying my hand on his shoulder. He flinched with a gasp, eyes flicking in my direction. “Easy, it’s just me.”

“Oh.” He glanced down at his padd, then back to me. “Julian.”

“Are you okay?” 

“What? Oh, yes. Yes.” Garak drew another rasping breath, and then cleared his throat. His hands began to tremble. “I’m fine.”

“No, you’re not.” I moved closer to him, taking his pulse. It was absolutely racing, almost dangerously fast. “You’re sick and you need to rest.”

“I’m not sick,” he snarled, shoving upright and pacing to the viewport. 

“All right, if you wanna get really technical, you’re not sick. You’re anxious.” More like panicked, but I didn’t want to make him defensive. 

He braced himself against the wall, and his chest heaved. “I’m fine. I can handle this perfectly well now that I know why I’m having attacks.”

I went to his side, carefully taking his padd and setting it down. I’d expected a protest, but none came. Instead, he stared down at the floor, breaths quickening, focus failing. 

“Garak,” I murmured, taking his quaking hands in mine. 

He startled again, looking at me with glassy eyes. “I’m fine, I don’t need any help.”

“Why don’t you come sit down again?” I tried to pull him along, and he resisted this time. 

“No!” He jerked free of my hold. “I don’t need you to treat me like I’m fragile! I’m not, I just have to get this under control.”

I watched with worry as he paced away, noting that his sweating had worsened. “Elim…”

“I’m not a child!” He snatched his padd off the window ledge, setting it back on the table. Agitated, he tried to enter a few more codes. His hands were shaking too badly to succeed, and he began to fuss with the other items on the table instead. 

“I didn’t say you were a child,” I said softly. 

“Then stop treating me like one. I don’t need to be pampered.” Garak began to pace again, tapping his fingers together. “I’ve only been having panic attacks because I was trying to avoid working against my people. I’m fine now that I know that.”

This was one of the farthest states from fine that I’d ever seen. “Well, how about some food, and then you can get back to work?”

He paused, looking at me with an unfettered anguish that shocked me. “I can’t stop. If I stop, I’ve failed, and everyone will die. Even if I succeed, all my people will die. I’m killing them all.”

As soon as the words left him, his eyes glazed, and he crumpled. “Elim!” I cried, lunging forward. I was too far away to be able to catch him in time, and he slammed hard into the floor with a gasp. 

He clawed at his neck and writhed, struggling to breathe. “I c-can’t…” he choked, eyes rolling with panic. 

“Elim, I’m here.” I dragged him upright enough that he was reclined against my chest, and then steadied his head as he made another strangled, rasping bid for air. “I’m right here, I’ve got you. Easy, shhh.”

“Can’t…” He threw his head back against my shoulder and clutched his chest, trying in vain to suck in a breath. “J-Julian…”

“Shhh, I’m here.” I combed my fingers through his hair, aching at the convulsive shudders that tore him apart. “You’re gonna be okay, easy now.”

He gasped again and began to thrash. “The walls!”

“Garak, you’re safe,” I said quickly, realizing what was happening. “The walls are not moving in, they’re not collapsing. You’re not on Tzenketh, you’re on DS9. You’re with Julian.”

He calmed at my voice, going limp against me. I resumed stroking his hair, listening to his harsh, shattered breaths and wishing I could take the pain away from him. 

But this was all I could do. Just hold him, rock him, speak to him in soothing tones. And at least it did help – he always came out of his panic attacks so much faster when I was here from the start. 

At last, his breaths eased. He curled towards me, pressing his face into my chest, and I held him closer. A few faint sobs tore from him, and I squeezed my eyes shut. “Shhh,” I soothed again, rubbing his back. “You’re okay, Elim.”

“I thought the attacks would stop.” His voice was weak, broken. “I want it to stop.”

“I’m sorry, sweetheart.” I pressed a light kiss to the top of his head, fighting back my own tears. “I don’t think it’s gonna be that easy.”

“But I know why it’s happening.” He struggled to turn over, and I eased him down so he rested across my lap. “It was supposed to stop. I’m supposed to have this under control.”

I gazed down at him, hurting at the look in his eyes. He seemed almost in shock that his body and mind had betrayed him again. “Knowing why it’s happening doesn’t always mean it won’t happen anymore,” I said gently. 

Hopelessness surged onto his face, and he let his head fall against my arm. “I can’t do this,” he whispered. 

“You can, and you will. But you don’t need to just yet. You can rest.”

Elim nodded, allowing me to coax him upright. He stumbled along with my support, eyes barely open. I helped him to lie down, and then gathered a damp cloth to wash his face. 

He made a soft sound of relief as I bathed away the sweat, and he weakly raised his hand to brush against my thigh. “That’s nice, thank you.”

“You’re welcome, dearest.” I sponged his neck, glancing down at his shirt. “Do you want to change into your pajamas? You’re drenched.”

“No, not now. I’m not sure I could even move if I wanted to.”

“You look so tired,” I said sympathetically, moving on to drying his face so he didn’t get chilled. “I brought you some rokassa juice, will you drink it?”

He drank without protest, and then gazed at me with bleary eyes. “I apologize, Julian.”

“What?” I gave him a confused look as I covered him with a blanket. “For what? You didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I was rude. I lashed out at you.” He reached out for me, and I grasped his hand. “I-I know you were just trying to help, and I so appreciate your kindness. I don’t deserve you.”

“Hush, Elim.” Bending down, I kissed his brow. “You were having an attack. It’s okay. I’ll always do whatever I can.”

He tried to smile at me, and only succeeded at looking even more pained. “I’m a bit… that is… would you like…”

“To snuggle?” I guessed, recognizing the near desperation in his eyes. He nodded, and I slipped into bed beside him. 

Garak curled up against me, still trembling, and I held him securely. After a few minutes of being in my arms, he let out a soft sigh, nuzzling against my neck. 

“I’m here, Elim,” I murmured, kissing his head again. “I’m here, and I have you. Just rest. I’ll take care of you.”


End file.
